Millennials (Long the "Great F*ckening")

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We're looking forward to the inevitable First Day Declaration "Events Leading to the Chapter 11 Filing" section wherein the company simply says, "Millennials." Full stop. That would be amazing (and save a lot of paper). But is everyone being too hard on this demographic? Read THIS and draw your own conclusions. So much to unpack in it. "It’s tempting to look at the recession as the cause of all this, the Great Fuckening from which we are still waiting to recover. But what we are living through now, and what the recession merely accelerated, is a historic convergence of economic maladies, many of them decades in the making. Decision by decision, the economy has turned into a young people-screwing machine. And unless something changes, our calamity is going to become America’s." 

Millennials LOVE SUVS, Apparently

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This makes zero sense. The no-possession simple-life "experiences" generation is suddenly jumping on the consumption bandwagon and using SUVs as their foray into spending? What. The. $*#&. Did they just wake up and suddenly realize there's a kid in the room next to them and that - given the post-1980 definition - they are in their late 30s? No wonder there's talk about Generation X being the Jon Snow of the United States. 

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Job Trends (Short Junior Associates/Analysts)

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Despite rising junior associate salaries - which, notably, one loyal reader says is almost always a leading indicator of an oncoming downturn - millennials don't want that stinkin $180k starting salary, constantly-buzzing iphone, and flimsy business card. The beard is the new business card, brah. Just as investment bankers compete with Silicon Valley "tech" startups that drone deliver pinatas filled with kale chips (maybe we're kidding...maybe we're not), law firms are also struggling to retain young "talent." Why? Because millennials purportedly want to just mix drinks, cut hair, and have ephemeral existences. Good luck with the next recruiting season.

Millennial Jackasses Prefer Potato Chips to Casual Dining ($BLMN, $IRGT)

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The QSR segment has been exploding with recent M&A activity, see, e.g., Checkers and Rally's Burgers, Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen, Jimmy John's Sandwiches, Cici's Pizza, Wetzel's Pretzel's Brand, and Panera Bread Co. Meanwhile, the casual dining segment is, for the most part, getting DECIMATED with, as just two examples, Applebee's reporting same store comps down 7.9% and IHOP down 1.7%. Publicly-traded Ignite Restaurant Group ($IRGT)(home of Joe's Crab Shack - which sounds REAL tasty) looks like it's a bankruptcy filer sometime in the very near future. To be fair, though, there are some bright spots, including Bloomin' Brands' Outback Steakhouse (note: on the other hand, Bloomins' Carrabbas Italian Grill is cratering)($BLMN). Meanwhile, millennials are apparently passing on lunch - which doesn't portend well for restaurants - because they are eating healthy snacks. Like potato chips. Not kidding (video). Come again?